Spencer’s Adventures
by poppyfields13
Summary: Sam/Freddie, one-sided Spencer/Freddie and Spencer/Mrs. Benson and very briefly implied Spencer/Sam. Crack.


**[A/N]** I wrote this for a fic exchange over at lj, and never really planned to post it here, but then I was going though my fics and thought, why not?

This is complete crack, btw. It also contains David Archuleta references. I luv him.

* * *

Spencer Shay was walking home from the junk yard with a huge bag of… well, junk. He had all sorts of pipes and wheels and a lot of indecipherable crap that he was planning to use to make a sculpture of his favourite singer, David Archuleta. Ever since the adorable boy had been on _iCarly_ Spencer had been obsessed. Plus, he just really liked young boys.

Anyway, since he had an account at the junk yard, and was their best customer, they had given him a coupon for a free meal at The Cheesecake Warehouse. He was wondering when exactly he was going to use the coupon as he walked, when he found that he was right outside the restaurant. As if it were a sign, his stomach grumbled loudly and that was all the prompt he needed. He walked into the restaurant.

"Table for two, please," he said.

The maître d' gave him a funny look. "Two?"

"Yes. Me… and David Archuleta." He patted the bulging bag of junk.

The maître d' continued to stare at him. But that sometimes happened. He was a porn star after all. The maitre d' shrugged and indicated for him to follow her.

She seated him in a booth in a corner (where most of the restaurant occupants couldn't see him and his unusual dinner partner). He sat the bag of junk (David Archuleta) beside him and smiled admiringly at it/him. The maître d' told him a waiter would be with Spencer in a moment. He nodded his thanks and picked up the menu. However, before he could take a good look at it, he was distracted by a familiar voice.

"Wow, Sam! You finished your salad already! Here, do you want some of mine?" he heard Freddie Benson say. Spencer raised an eyebrow; Carly hadn't told him she was going out to The Cheesecake Warehouse with Sam and Freddie that day. He turned around to see the back of Freddie and Sam Puckett's heads. They were sitting very close together in the booth behind Spencer. Carly was nowhere in sight.

"Oh thank you, Freddie! You know exactly the way to a girl's heart!" Sam said excitedly.

Spencer continued to watch them, transfixed by the scene. It was lucky their backs were towards him and they had no idea he was there, listening.

He heard Freddie giggle… Yes, it was definitely a giggle. Spencer wondered if there was something wrong with his hearing. He shook his head. He picked up a napkin and started to clean out his ears. When he had done that, he leaned even closer to the pair of teenagers.

"Oh Freddie," he heard Sam say, "You must know… every hurtful thing I ever said to you… what I was really saying… what I really meant was, 'I love you.'"

Spencer snorted. It was sometimes pretty funny when Sam was all sarcastic and mean to Freddie… even if Spencer didn't really approve. Freddie was too sweet and adorable to be made fun of, in Spencer's opinion. He snapped out of this thought when he heard Freddie's response.

"I realise that now, Sam, my love," Freddie's voice said.

Huh? Maybe he hadn't cleaned his ears out properly. Did Freddie just say _that_ to _Sam_? The bane of his existence?

"I love you, Freddie cupcake," Sam said.

Spencer watched with a gaping mouth as the two leaned towards each other. He watched in horror as their lips met in a _searing_ kiss. Spencer couldn't believe what he was seeing. Had the world gone crazy? Was he the only normal human being left on earth?

On the one hand, he was a little relieved. He had been thinking recently that Sam had a crush on him. She always stared at him and touched him and just… that was kind of creepy. He only liked underage boys. Not girls.

On the other hand, he was, however, insanely jealous of Sam. She did not deserve Freddie. Freddie should be with Spencer.

"Hey look! There's Gibby!" Sam suddenly cried out, pulling away from Freddie's embrace.

'That little minx!' thought Spencer. There she was, sucking face with the cutest boy ever and being distracted by someone else! How dare she!

Spencer glanced over in the direction Sam was pointing. A chubby boy was dancing on one of the tabletops. He had removed his shirt and was swinging it around his head. There was a girl sitting at the table, staring up at him admiringly and goading him on. Well, at least Spencer could see his appeal. Sam obviously had good taste, it was one thing Spencer couldn't deny, though he didn't like it.

Spencer couldn't take it anymore! He grabbed David Archuleta and huffed out of the restaurant. He was so irritated! He hadn't even ordered anything and he didn't think he could ever go back to that place again. He would have to give his coupon to Socko or something. Spencer was also feeling extremely hurt. He angrily wiped away the _single tear_ that made its way down his cheek.

He stormed into his apartment building, ignoring Lewbert's crazed screams that David Cook was better. He slammed the door to his apartment and walked straight to the computer. He needed a distraction.

He logged onto and began searching through random videos. He wished he could just find a sane girlfriend, but he always seemed to attract crazy ladies, which was weird, considering how boring and normal he was. Besides, he knew none of them could live up to the awesomeness of Freddie Benson. He sighed at the thought.

He was just about to give up the search when he suddenly saw something that made his eyes pop. Mrs. Benson had a video posted here! "No way!" He scrutinised the photo… if he squinted, he could _kind of_ see the resemblance between her and her son.

He thought for a moment, well, if he couldn't have Freddie… his mother should be his second choice, right? And maybe, just maybe… if he started dating her, he could make Freddie jealous!

Spencer's grin returned to his face. This… was going to be awesome.

**The End**


End file.
